Recently i finished a production of Grease. I had an awesome time choreographing the show and having a minor role in it. Even though I did enjoy this contribution, it was still no substitute for being an actual cast member. Every summer, I look forward to the show because it is a release for me from teaching, guiding, leading and being responsible all the time. Not that the show is a chance for me to be irresponsible, it was just different having to constantly be prepared and relied on. Again, i had good time, it was just...different. Cast members definately looked at and acted differently around me because I was one of the directors. Finally saying it out loud. I'm pretty sure BA missed being silly too. At least the show ended up being wonderful to watch...like seriously I totally laughed out loud every 5 seconds.
There is this whole pressure about getting along with an old friend. It's so bizarre because i really have a hard time staying angry at anyone. My heart can't stand the pain and sadness that comes along with being angry. Unfortunately, I just can't shake this one person. She has totally broken me in so many ways and even though I don't want her in my life, I still love her. Even though I can't imagine being around this person, I want to be around her.
I'm feeling trapped between worlds right now. Where do I belong? Why are my friends closer to me than my own family? My extended family had some fight with my mom so now it's weird talking to them. People really hold on to shit like it is going out of style. Doesn't it get heavy after a while?
I need to be a performer. Professionally. Again. I either need it or to be creating something to feel alive. I deserve to do the things that make me happy. I would just die if my children grew up and gave "themselves" up to parenthood... as if their own lives didn't matter. I'm sick of people asking me stupid questions about this. Yes. I believe that people should not give up their lives when they become parents. children should be added into your lives and taught to be independent thinkers that actually love themselves. Why should I be a slave to them? Why should they be a slave to their children? What is the point in that? My children are so completely loved, adored, and taken care of it's no joke. They are encouraged every day to follow happiness instead of the "normal" routine. Jordan hated his camp so i didn't make him go. He said it was boring and that the teachers were sad all day. Unfortunately, he probably got a miserable teacher that really sucked so I wasn't going to force him to waste 5 hours of his life at some lame camp. We did other things instead. I guess what I am getting at is that people often confuse boundaries with limitations. We should set our own routines and boundaries in our daily lives and relationships. I feel that they should each be unique to the specific situation and not based on societal norms or expectations. For example - my dancing in the mornings and giving up an entire day to audition for a rad show is my choice and I really don't care if you hate me for it.
On Monday I went to NY with Daniel, Emily and Peter to audition for Spiderman on Broadway. I had such an amazing time with each of them and I kind of feel like I had known them forever. Emily is so completely beautiful and talented and I was nervous I would have to audition after her. Like for real. I didn't really know Daniel that well before Monday but after our little adventure, I definitely know that he is wicked cool and overall a total sweetheart. Oh, and he is starring on Broadway as Spiderman asap - they just need to find an understudy for him. Peter reminds me of myself in too many ways. When I find something that makes me feel strongly or passionately about (like new friends) I just want to shout at the top of my lungs how happy they make me. Perhaps he and I could climb that tall/ sweating building and do that next week. Anyway, great people and great day. I felt so lucky to experience my first Broadway audition with this foursome. What a way to pop that cherry.
I am feeling pretty heavy right now about men. Other then the few good ones in my life. I can't help but be jittery around men in public and in general. There was a period of time for me that all people looked extremely ugly because of a horrific experience. For some reason those ugly people are showing up in my dreams on a more nightly basis. Please go away and leave me alone.
I feel torn about teaching. I heart Wardwell.
I have to go to Greensboro to accept some web design award and walk around with a special badge/ VIP sticker. ... because I am a very important person. Lol. Talking in front of 20,000 people kind of sucks. 19,999 would be easier.
Everyday am feeling more about more that it hurts at times. I'm staying up later with the need to just write, move and do new things. It's like something is breathing more life into me every night and resuscitating my old self. Something is definitely kicking me in the ass and telling me to do the things I want to do before there are no more chances. I need to . I need to. I need to.
If you are one of the people that have come into my life in this past year who have truly colored my soul, I thank you. I needed you- to see myself again.
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